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Dec. 8th, 2008 @ 08:27 pm (no subject)
Hello, been lurking for a while. Thought I would come out of the shadows and explain myself.

I am a 28 year old able bodied woman with a 26 year old husband paralyzed entirely on his right side and an amazing sarcastic 11 year old son.

We knew nothing about MS until the morning of July 3rd this summer. Then my husband literally woke up and tried to step out of bed and fell. He has regained very little of the function of his limbs. He still cannot walk without a cane and has to go downstairs on his butt, and although he can lift his arm he is not able to even write his name or use a remote control.

We have been together for nearly 9 years and have been married almost 6, and although MS isn't any sort of a blessing we have a strong relationship and friendship based on communication and love and common life goals. We understand that this changed our lifepath and we need to figure something else out, and we are fine with that.

We are "fine" with ALMOST everything.

Except the sex.

I get my husband off all the time, orally, and vaginally and any other way under the sun that he wants it. But I have always taken longer to orgasm and I have always been work to get off. And now, well, I feel like i am going to "harm" him more, or stress him out and give him another attack.

This is the first topic of conversation that I haven't wanted to talk to my husband about. I don't want him to feel worse.

We only really tried once. 2 months ago, it was bad. I can't get off while I am on top, and he was trying to pump his hips back and forth and all I could see was the pain on his face and KNOW I was the cause of it. I stopped him and asked him to please just get off of me, that I didn't think I was going to be able to have an orgasm, and he started to cry and said "I can't even please my wife anymore"..... I didn't know what to say.

So after that I started saying I wasn't in the mood EVERY time he approached me, and I get him off. Until this we had a VERY healthy sex life. 2-5 times a week depending on the week, both of us having orgasms, and if one was in the mood and the other wasn't we made a pact a long time ago to also please the other one even when we weren't in the mood. So for a little while he was buying that I just wasn't in the mood.

Now it's two months later and I have had ONE orgasm that I snuck while I was in the shower.

Wow. I didn't realize I was going to explode like that. Evidentally I needed to tell this to something.

But basically, I am here in this community because it seemed like a place were I wouldn't feel alone in my fumbling sexapades.

Cheers - Jessica
About this Entry
Crunk
acidgirltogo:
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From:alasandalack
Date:December 9th, 2008 02:16 am (UTC)
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the only thing i can really suggest here (and i can't be sure you haven't done so already) is that at least in the beginning, you couch your problems with sex as having more to do with being afraid of injuring him. obviously it's true that if he physically can't give you an orgasm, he can't give you an orgasm, but you both need to get past that fear first. i wouldn't expect him to be happy about it. still, it needs to be said.
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From:badgerbag
Date:December 9th, 2008 02:58 am (UTC)
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My 2 cents:

a good vibrator that plugs into the wall + the use of one hand = great sex! finger fucking, it's not just for frustrated teenagers...

learn from lesbian sex educators, get some toys, and there is more to life than pumping away on top, though lord knows that's fun to do.

Frankly I've been to enough parties and safe sex education events to where it seems totally normal to me as well as hot to just be next to someone while they get themselves off. Or to sort of be their helpful assistant. That's sex too!

i understand the sadness and weirdness and anger though (for both) when things change, though. good luck.


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From:usha93
Date:December 9th, 2008 01:09 pm (UTC)
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M.S. is evil. I'm coming up on 19 years since my own diagnosis, so I know how badly it can wreak havoc with the formerly active and satisfying sex life of a couple, and I just hate that it does this. It seems like whenever a person with M.S. asks about sexuality -- whether it's asking your neuro, looking for info online, or asking the M.S. Society to send brochures, there's a weird double standard. A man asks, he's referred to a counselor and given info on E.D. drugs. A woman asks, she's "reassured" that "sex is not everything," and that "emotional closeness is not impacted by M.S." IOW, I guess, a man has to be active, but all a woman has to do is lie down and be willing. BAH! My partner and I had the most amazing sex life, and now...now, it's probably more like the "average couple" who's been together as long as we have. IOW, I've got nothing to bitch about when compared to lots of other folks, but y'know, it's not what it was, and that's a shame.

M.S. can interfere with libido, and I went through that valley and climbed out the other side. I was always a very active partner; how I'm pretty much limited to him lifting me and moving me and putting me in position, and yeah, he's almost always the one who "does all the work." We have missionary-style sex a couple, three times a week --again, not so different from lots of able-bodied couples' sex lives, but way different from our own sex life.

I know he's had a big problem in the past with just approaching me, for the same reason you brought up -- I do have a significant amount of pain due to the disease, and he's been extremely afraid of hurting me in the past. Earlier on, I resorted to something I'd never done previously -- never, ever -- faking it. Yeah, yet another thing not uncommon even for the able-bodied, but it felt so wrong to me; it felt like I was "cheating," but I didn't want him to run for the hills in fear that he was hurting me or bothering me. :/ I have problems with sufficient lubrication, and it's due to M.S., not to not being ready, but I'm not sure he believes that -- I mean we never used to need Astroglide, and I've got zero experience with making grabbing the lube sex-aaaay. Just assume you'll need it and make it part of the foreplay from jump, I guess.

I'm sort of rambling too, and I'm not really coming up with helpful suggestions, just saying I hear ya -- I hear what he's saying too, because I've said it (and felt it) myself. My sexuality was a big part of who I was, so it was much worse than losing the ability to walk in that way, it was like instead of just affecting my abilities, M.S. was stealing my soul.

He's still fairly newly diagnosed if it was just this summer. I had a really hellish first year post-dx, but then it settled into a much more stable routine, and I was able to get most of my function back, some on its own and some with intensive P.T. Right now, I'm guessing both of your emotional landscapes are still pretty raw. It's a big deal, and a hard pill to swallow! It's possible things will get easier with a bit of time, partly just because you get used to things and start making smaller adjustments as you go (as opposed to getting smacked upside the head out of the blue one day, and left reeling and trying to deal with everything all at once.

All the best to you both!
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From:lovethatlovage
Date:August 10th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
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I'd totally get some toys into the mix. Way less physical stress on him and totally fun.
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From:pillpopper
Date:January 30th, 2010 09:28 pm (UTC)
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You get him off vaginally?
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From:acidgirltogo
Date:January 31st, 2010 12:32 am (UTC)
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Yes. As in with my vagina.

And actually our sex life is greatly improved since this post. My husband has regained almost full function of his right hand side. It's still easier for him than for me, so there is a lot of sex that's more for him than for me. But we are much happier and sexually functional than when I made this post.
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From:pillpopper
Date:January 31st, 2010 12:41 am (UTC)
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Regardless of what I said, the issue that you should be looking at, is why you aren't communicating with your husband about how you feel about your sex life, and instead doing it online....
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From:acidgirltogo
Date:January 31st, 2010 12:57 am (UTC)
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Well, this was A YEAR ago. So all of this is in the past.

Why are you coming across like you are attacking me for talking about the difficulties of handicapped sex in a COMMUNITY DESIGNED TO DISCUSS HANDICAPPED SEX? It was new to us both. It was uncharted territory. I was seeking the advice of those who have tread this path before us.

I think a better question would be to you "Why would you go drudge up old posts (OVER A YEAR OLD) in a community with sensitive material and then poke at those people's sensitive wounds?"

Go find a better use for your time than to question my communication with my husband.
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From:pillpopper
Date:January 31st, 2010 01:04 am (UTC)
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Well actually, this is a path I have tread. And the way my husband and I deal with this is communication.
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From:acidgirltogo
Date:January 31st, 2010 01:10 am (UTC)
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IF this is something you've gone through, then I would think you would be sensitive and not a douche.

You are making an ass of yourself, and I will be leaving this community now. Whatever friends I've made in here are now in my personal journal.

So, you go and feel good about yourself that you and your husband handled your disability better than me and my husband. Good for you, it' doesn't mean your not a shitty person.
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From:pillpopper
Date:January 31st, 2010 01:55 am (UTC)
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Douching is bad for your vagina. And why are you leaving the community? I'm not even a member of this community right now?
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From:pillpopper
Date:January 31st, 2010 01:05 am (UTC)
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By the way it was last commented on in 9-09 and I looked at that before I first posted.